sad girl core

So after a few weeks, we are back.  "My boyfriend's back, and he's cooler than ever." Well he's not my boyfriend but that's what Lana said and I'm just quoting her lyrics.  We talked, we agreed, we are together again. And it was so obvious, that was the right thing to do. Because... Come on. We're the best couple you'll ever meet.  ♥️

I had to come back to this because I find that writing about my emotions and what's happening makes me feel a little better.  Suddenly I almost had everything I wanted. I had good friends, a healthy family, a place for myself, no more sharing it with family or friends. And finally met a cute guy I liked and he liked me back, it was so awesome at first. We started to see eachother and we started a relationship where everything was beautiful. We spent nights together ordering food, watching movies together, going to sleep at 6 am, planning to go to places together, both being so confident and connecting so good but now that's in the past because of his thoughts. He never wanted a serious relationship with me, he never trusted in me, he says he's insecure about us but if he only knew how much i like him, if he only knew... How happy I was when I started talking to him, when I thought "I fucking finally met a decent guy, a man who's really worthy of meet an...

It's me again, crazy.  August is the worst month of the year for me.  Immediately starts and I feel terribly sad, uncomfortable, annoyed, like if something bad is going to happen. Well some bad things happened in August. And I don't want to think about it, I don't want to remember, I don't want to be sad, I want to be happy, I want to continue in this state of mind where I'm good and laughing and in peace all the time because now life is good and it smiles at me.  I don't want to confront the sad memories.  I miss you both, tho. 

I'm not like super super happy but I've been feeling so much better lately. I even forgot to post new entries here because I'm always busy working or doing some home chores or simply hanging out with my coworkers ( friends! If you ask me ) so sometimes I joke about it and say ironically that life smiles at me but I really think it's kinda true. I feel free, in peace, a bit nostalgic about some things but it's not that serious. I feel good. I feel motivated, curious about things again, I remember I was so depressed I even lost curiosity about things and that honestly wasn't me! But now it looks like everything is starting to fall into place and it's so cute I start to feel emotional. I feel like I've been in such at a bad place for so many time that seeing myself like this now feels unrealistic, crazy, untrue but amazing!  I even used to not have interest in anyone, and now I'm doing crazy things I barely recognize myself, I used to have i...

I've been actually enjoying life the last months. Reading my old posts feels strange because I was such at a low point in my life back then and now it feels so different, luckily. Everything changed like, A LOT and I'm very grateful for that. I'm finally starting to get everything I ever wanted and I feel like I can be where I really want to be very soon.  Nice. I'm living again. 

Im reading a book, making a pudding, listening to music, but nothing seems to work, I still feel like shit and I'm afraid this will continue for the next days. Christmas is coming and I have to reunite with my family and don't want them to see me like this. I hope I can recover soon.  Dad I love u. And miss u. I'm sorry.

I really don't have any kind of energy or strength anymore, I feel like I reach a new level of depression everyday and it's exhausting and tiring and painful and so so sad and I don't know what to do with myself. I don't even care about caps lmao I just needed to write about this today because I've been feeling like shit the whole day. So many emotions and reasons I feel bad, my father is dead and I miss him so much when I finally stop avoiding the memories and think about our moments together and everything he did for me and how shitty I was with him and everything I could do to make him feel better and I didn't, I just wish I could say sorry for the last time but that's not possible. And I'm here laying in bed in the dark alone crying in silence with my face all red and wet and with my body shaking wishing I could talk to someone about this but then I remember I'm not able to because I hate to tell others about my problems at the same t...