sad

I really don't have any kind of energy or strength anymore, I feel like I reach a new level of depression everyday and it's exhausting and tiring and painful and so so sad and I don't know what to do with myself. I don't even care about caps lmao I just needed to write about this today because I've been feeling like shit the whole day. So many emotions and reasons I feel bad, my father is dead and I miss him so much when I finally stop avoiding the memories and think about our moments together and everything he did for me and how shitty I was with him and everything I could do to make him feel better and I didn't, I just wish I could say sorry for the last time but that's not possible. And I'm here laying in bed in the dark alone crying in silence with my face all red and wet and with my body shaking wishing I could talk to someone about this but then I remember I'm not able to because I hate to tell others about my problems at the same time. And people deals with losing every time like I'm not the only one feeling this way so why should I be bothering them. I wish I could tell my father I love him even with all his flaws and his mistakes and the way he was. I know he did the best he could. I know he had to live things and go through shitty situations I can't even imagine because my life was a privilege compared to his. I love you today and forever. I'm sorry for being this miserable failure, this horrible mess, this immature selfish bitch I swear I try to change every day, I swear I try to be the best version of myself, I try so hard to be better even knowing it's too late. I'm so sorry. I'll try to keep on living and pushing it in your memory. Even when I feel there's no way out or a purpose or when I feel nothing but emptiness. I promise.